im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
