Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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