i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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