Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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