Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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