I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
