So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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