What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize