I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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