I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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