Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
