No stitches, just platelets and will power
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
