i need an iv and a liver transplant
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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