I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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