The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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