There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
