fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
