the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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