sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
