dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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