she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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