It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
