i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
