he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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