I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
