you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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