bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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