My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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