how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize