It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
