theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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