I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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