Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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