break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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