I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
