I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
