yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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