So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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