shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
