I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
