On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am naked and annoyed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
