i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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