I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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