Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
