i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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