I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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