just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
