Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
