I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize