My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
