Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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