Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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