Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
