Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
