at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
