She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
