u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
