if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
