How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize