the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
